First Draft of Essay 2:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gjQmXgTLs6vxfCvOiAEfrlawf06fBRSiiXvPLIQ0oDs/edit

Revision Plan:

The comments my peers left me on my essay really help me revise and improve my writing globally. I think one of the main improvements I will strive to make in my essay is adding more personal connections into some of my paragraphs. One of the comments my peers left me was that I had a lot of evidence from authors, but not so much of my own personal experience. Especially in my paragraph about how technology negatively affects our mental health. I can contribute my own personal experiences pertaining to this idea because I always compare myself to others on social media, which is a huge issue that Twenge brings up in her own article. By adding more personal experiences in my essay, it will show the reader that I am connected to the authors and their ideas, while also relating them to my own ideas, which will strengthen my argument. Another benefit of adding personal experiences is that it will show the reader my own motivation for writing this essay and why I am so passionate about this topic and argument, enough so causing me to write about it.

Another improvement I will make revising my essay will be to connect a little more on how all of this negative side effects of technology will affect our happiness in the long run. My thesis is how technology negatively affects our ability to interact and function as human beings. And maybe I can connect each paragraph a little more and tie it back to how it affects our happiness, and I could even include evidence from previous authors from the last happiness unit.